We've been together along time now. I've told you about things I've never even told my closes friends. You even know both my middle names. But as you know soon we will part. I know neither of us wanted this, but we both know God has different paths for everyone in this life.
All I want to say to you is, when I do go I will miss you so so much and I know life must go on without me. If another guy does come along and you start having feelings for him, I want you to get the fuck away cause I swear to Christ almighty I will haunt your fucking ass like there's no tomorrow. Don't even fucking look at another mickey cos I will infect it and make sure your vagina turns yellow like a fucking submarine. I know we said till death do us part but when I said that shit I meant till your fucking death. I ain't gonna be no ghost mother fucker looking at my woman getting her groove on with some living mother fucker. Bitch beware cos there's gonna be a scare if you ever go there, ya dig.
Ps. I Love You
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
My First Log
As a young couple my mother and father only freshly married with a 5 year old son decided to have a second child, that being me. But nothing prepared the two for what was going to be the hardest and messiest 6 years of there lives.
At aged 7 months old I was diagnosed with a rare illness so rare that only 1 in 10 million people get it. The illness is called "Puitifia" but would but later nicknamed "poo-tifia". What happens is your body digests food at an incredibly fast speed turning whatever you eat into liquid making your poo shoot out of you life a fountain sometimes at speeds that could take a cats head clean off it's shoulders (more about that poor cat in later blogs). Doctors suggested to my parents I eat more bread for it might harden my poo and make it less dangerous but nothing seem to work. I was turning 4 years of age having suffered over 3 years of hiding in my room with a metal nappy covering my ass stopping me from decapitating my old brother, that I decided, i want to go to school, I don't want to hide away from this big world just because my ass could explode at any minute. So my 4th birthday came around I put on my pre-school uniform, my little back pack and my stainless steal poo proof vest and I set off for my first day of school. When I got there I was greeted like any normal kid walking into a class for the first time, nobody said anything about my metal ass and I made plenty of friends. But as the months flew by my ass became more aggressive from what it was. I went from being able to control getting to the toilet to not even getting off my seat. And the force was beginning to grow, it was just a matter of time before my poo proof vest gave up and my ass caused a lot of damage.
I was 5 years, 5 months and 5 days old. I travelled to school with my mother, she kissed me at the gate and waved me goodbye and I disappeared into the early morning shadows of the school yard. I got to class and took my seat with my friends and other pupils. I knew from when I woke that morning something was wrong and I went against my gut instinct and just went to class. But with "puitifia" if you go against your gut instinct your asking for trouble. All of a sudden my ass exploded from under me. The poo proof vest was turned to dust, the breakfast roll I had was acid hot liquid and shooting out like a burst pipe. All was over and I fell to the ground, gingerly getting back to my feet I looked around at the damage, two of my friends were wounded during it. One was stabbed in the knee with his pencil, the other got pink eye. I was so guilty, I put them at risk. I couldn't live with myself so I ran, I didn't stop till I reached my house. I couldn't live life like this no more so I decide to take my own life. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and just before I stuck it in my ass I was grabbed. My father pulled the knife from my hands. He looked at me in a way he'd never done before, in a way that said "I'm gonna get you through this". He hugged me and said, "trust me son, it'll all be ok".
Me and my Dad set out to see a professional who specialise in "Puitifia" in Germany. In papers his methods were classed as border like psychotic, but my Dad assured me they were just border line. We got there and he seen to me straight away. And in a flash came to a conclusion. He put it into simple terms for me to understand. He said my ass was like an egg before it's boiled. Before an egg is boiled it's liquid, after you boil it, it's solid. The doctor put my steal poo proof vest around my ass and then dipped it into the water. After 2 minutes my ass began to boil, the egg timer buzz and her took it out and brought me to the toilet. That was the day I had My First Log.
The End
At aged 7 months old I was diagnosed with a rare illness so rare that only 1 in 10 million people get it. The illness is called "Puitifia" but would but later nicknamed "poo-tifia". What happens is your body digests food at an incredibly fast speed turning whatever you eat into liquid making your poo shoot out of you life a fountain sometimes at speeds that could take a cats head clean off it's shoulders (more about that poor cat in later blogs). Doctors suggested to my parents I eat more bread for it might harden my poo and make it less dangerous but nothing seem to work. I was turning 4 years of age having suffered over 3 years of hiding in my room with a metal nappy covering my ass stopping me from decapitating my old brother, that I decided, i want to go to school, I don't want to hide away from this big world just because my ass could explode at any minute. So my 4th birthday came around I put on my pre-school uniform, my little back pack and my stainless steal poo proof vest and I set off for my first day of school. When I got there I was greeted like any normal kid walking into a class for the first time, nobody said anything about my metal ass and I made plenty of friends. But as the months flew by my ass became more aggressive from what it was. I went from being able to control getting to the toilet to not even getting off my seat. And the force was beginning to grow, it was just a matter of time before my poo proof vest gave up and my ass caused a lot of damage.
I was 5 years, 5 months and 5 days old. I travelled to school with my mother, she kissed me at the gate and waved me goodbye and I disappeared into the early morning shadows of the school yard. I got to class and took my seat with my friends and other pupils. I knew from when I woke that morning something was wrong and I went against my gut instinct and just went to class. But with "puitifia" if you go against your gut instinct your asking for trouble. All of a sudden my ass exploded from under me. The poo proof vest was turned to dust, the breakfast roll I had was acid hot liquid and shooting out like a burst pipe. All was over and I fell to the ground, gingerly getting back to my feet I looked around at the damage, two of my friends were wounded during it. One was stabbed in the knee with his pencil, the other got pink eye. I was so guilty, I put them at risk. I couldn't live with myself so I ran, I didn't stop till I reached my house. I couldn't live life like this no more so I decide to take my own life. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and just before I stuck it in my ass I was grabbed. My father pulled the knife from my hands. He looked at me in a way he'd never done before, in a way that said "I'm gonna get you through this". He hugged me and said, "trust me son, it'll all be ok".
Me and my Dad set out to see a professional who specialise in "Puitifia" in Germany. In papers his methods were classed as border like psychotic, but my Dad assured me they were just border line. We got there and he seen to me straight away. And in a flash came to a conclusion. He put it into simple terms for me to understand. He said my ass was like an egg before it's boiled. Before an egg is boiled it's liquid, after you boil it, it's solid. The doctor put my steal poo proof vest around my ass and then dipped it into the water. After 2 minutes my ass began to boil, the egg timer buzz and her took it out and brought me to the toilet. That was the day I had My First Log.
The End
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